Fatalism

Imagine that you are sitting at a table. Two pills and a glass of water are in front of you. One pill is a deadly dose of an opioid drug. If you take it, you will die.

Earlier that day, you took a different pill, which had a strange effect. It affects the emotions in a way that causes suicidal desires. It inverts the natural fear of death, so that death becomes appealing. Now, because you took the pill, you desperately want to die.

Why did you take it? Curiosity. You didn’t believe that it would actually work, but you wanted to see what would happen. Also, you knew that there was an antidote. You thought that you would just take the pill, see what it felt like, and then quickly take the antidote. No harm done. “YOLO” you said, and then swallowed it.

Now, you are itching to take the suicide pill on the table in front of you, and end your life.

But there is another pill on the table. It is the antidote to the pill that you took earlier. If you take it, then you will no longer want to kill yourself. Instead, you will have your normal strong aversion to death.

But of course, you don’t want to take the antidote. If you take it, then you will no longer want to die, so you will go on living. The thought makes you feel sick to your stomach. The antidote signifies the horrible trap of life, from which death is the only escape.

You don’t want to revert back to your former self, the one who feared death and loved life. If you take the antidote, then you will believe that you made the right choice, in retrospect. You know that. But right now, you desperately want to die.

You gaze at the pills sitting on the table in front of you. Soon, this nightmare will be over.

You reach out, take a pill, and put it in your mouth. It is slightly sweet on the tongue. “YOLO” you say quietly to yourself. Then you pick up the glass of water, take a gulp, and swallow the pill.

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This story was not intended to glorify suicide. If you have suicidal feelings or thoughts, seek professional help.